One Side

  Inside Out

  Elizabeth Kelly

  Copyright © 2019 Elizabeth Kelly.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

  Archway Publishing

  1663 Liberty Drive

  Bloomington, IN 47403

  www.archwaypublishing.com

  1 (888) 242-5904

  Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

  Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

  Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

  ISBN: 978-1-4808-7477-0 (sc)

  ISBN: 978-1-4808-7478-7 (hc)

  ISBN: 978-1-4808-7476-3 (e)

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2019933630

  Archway Publishing rev. date: 02/27/2019

  Contents

  Introduction

  Then

  Let the Mess Rest

  When It Rains

  Forte for Writing

  Rebellious Actions

  Piss Off

  Anger

  Peace

  Speeding

  Happy

  Difference

  Validation

  Apprehension

  Changing Face

  Believe in Yourself, and Then Believe in Me

  Good and Evil

  Behind Closed Doors

  Learn It

  Sagittarian Fire

  Random Acts of Kindness

  Crazy Kicker

  Feeling Like

  Suffer None

  Paths

  Realizations

  Hello, Butterfly

  Demons

  Combat

  But What Is?

  Paid to Stay Away

  Box of Rocks

  Goat Breath

  Now

  Together

  Washed Away

  Governed

  Inspirational

  To Be

  Sun Rising

  Gathered

  Dancing

  Gratitude

  Looking

  My Truth Hidden

  Eluding Love

  Opportunity

  Worldly View

  Seeking

  Destiny

  Dusk

  Guiding

  Blurry Lines

  Some Say

  Reasons

  Difference

  Deceit

  Tide

  Matching

  Soul of Plenty

  Discovering

  Safe to Return

  Overcoming

  Willingness

  Masks

  New Light

  Truth

  Do You?

  Life

  Animal

  Realization

  World in View

  Peace

  Dimming

  Glory

  Blessed

  Awake

  Power to All

  Harmonizing

  Living

  Day of Fullness

  Prayer

  Rising Sun

  The Belief

  In Your Body

  Of Yourself

  Now I See

  About the Author

  Introduction

  Diagnosed as bipolar at the age of twenty-one, I turned to writing as an outlet to discover my feelings of the then and now of my journey. The then portion of this collection was written twenty years ago in journals as I suffered a mental breakdown and was told by medical professionals that I had a mental illness. My writing was a way to express my emotions of where I was in the world at that time. Since then, I worked on myself, coming to terms with my illness and working toward treatment goals. I stopped my treatment several times, thinking I didn’t need medication. I was then thrust back to chaos.

  The now portion of this book was written twenty years later, after going to college, experiencing stability, and working with doctors. The now is a collection of writings about where I am now. This twenty-year difference shows that through hard work and commitment to treatment, a diagnosis of a mental disorder does not define me. I am now a successful registered nurse. Hard work and commitment put in through these past twenty years show me that I am not defined by a disorder. The writing shows my strength and ability to cope with a life-altering condition.

  I share my collection of the then and now thoughts in hope of showing that mental disorder does not have to overcome us. We can overcome it.

  To all those who suffer from mental disorders and their supportive family and friends!

  Thanks to my family and friends for all the support given to me over the years.

  Then

  Let the Mess Rest

  One must take small steps.

  Will he get stepped on?

  By me?

  You’ve got to live your life,

  And live it well.

  Don’t do it for anyone.

  Use no tunnel.

  Do it to have fun.

  When It Rains

  When it rains, it pours.

  Handy umbrella—

  Scout law: Always be prepared.

  When the sun shows its face,

  Show the world your grace.

  Once you had it all working for you,

  And now there is none.

  No one said it would be any fun.

  Just relax, and take your time.

  Go somewhere far.

  For a little while, only tell a few,

  No more than three.

  Now you have your freedom.

  Freedom rings.

  I see it in your eyes.

  You are free now, baby.

  Don’t look back.

  You are hurt and repulsed

  By bad decisions

  And all together poor behaviors.

  Take it away.

  What are you left with?

  And that’s all you really have,

  The only precious you.

  You came in alone.

  You go out alone.

  Don’t change yourself to fit some standard.

  If they can’t handle it, they don’t have to.

  If you have any unhealthy relationships,

  Get rid of them quick.

  It makes no difference who it was,

  It is no longer.

  Don’t come back until it’s safe.

  Turn your back on the ocean.

  Watch out!

  It will turn on you when you are not looking.

  Stay away from

  Dangerous surf.

  Risk, that is the game.

  Did you know you played a game

  Where you’d always win?

  That was okay; you paid.

  You hang up, child,

  Unwarranted, off guard.

  Keep shields ready and willing.

  Don’t hold them up and cover your face.

  You’re beautiful and taunted, baby; teach.

  Forte for Writing

  Misunderstood when I speak.

  Take it easy.

  If you are worried,

  Please don’t bother.

  I’ll take care of myself.

  Don’t hold money over my head.

  Screw you; don’t hold it in my face.

  I can’t see; where did you go?

  You were once here.

  Now what, will I ever see you?

  Take care.

  Don’t apologize for yourself.

  And surely, don’t let anyone else.

  Be who we are, not somebody else.

  Self-love is glorious.

  Have a theme song.

  Drive to a safe place.

  Get some use out of it.

  Great advice. You know who you are; there are three.

  The same ones who know the deal.

  Have a daily achievement plan, and work toward it.

  Move.

  Rebellious Actions

  I like to do things I’m not supposed to.

  Can I make it through?

  I don’t know.

  So much emotion,

  Too many feelings.

  Why do I do these things I’m not supposed to?

  Save me.

  Is that too much to ask?

  Well, screw yourself.

  Leave me alone.

  I’ll do it in solitary.

  Why do I do these things?

  I don’t know.

  Rebellious actions.

  Piss Off

  Piss off.

  Don’t you dare cough.

  Peace, my brother.

  Don’t bother telling me it’s wrong.

  I already know these things.

  Please just let me be.

  Anger

  It just comes to me;

  I don’t know why.

  Is it my fault?

  No way.

  Is it like telepathy,

  Or is it like psychic powers?

  Come on,

  Be true

  To yourself and to others.

  Why do you do these things

  To discredit yourself?

  Is it all games and nonsense to you?

  Are you blue?

  Not me; I’m red

  With pain and fear.

  Can I save myself?

  That is the ultimate question.

  Stay true,

  True to your needs.

  Anger, don’t let it take over.

  Anger, keep it calm.

  Peace

  Who made up the word “love”?

  Well, screw you.

  Do you know what it does to my life?

  Most likely not.

  Peace, my love,

  To a harmony place.

  Stay there as long as you can.

  If someone asks you to move—

  And you do,

  Of course—

  Keep the peace.

  In everything you do,

  Don’t look for answers unless it’s inside.

  Play by the rules, and stay alive.

  That is the key.

  Peace, my love.

  Keep it flowing.

  Never let it alone!

  Speeding

  Speeding,

  You do it every day.

  Whether you are in your car

  Or on your feet,

  Don’t let it beat.

  Drums in my head and in my heart.

  See it for what it is,

  Not what you what it to be.

  Do you ever lose direction?

  Of course; we are only human.

  Keep it real.

  Let real friends know yourself.

  I was once blind,

  And now I can see.

  Slow down the actions.

  Let people know

  Where you’re coming from.

  Nothing wrong with speeding.

  Just keep it slow.

  Happy

  Can’t we keep things happy?

  Not all the time.

  Treasure your belongings.

  No disrespect.

  I mean well.

  I mean no harm.

  If you’ get to know me,

  You’d really know that I’m now happy.

  Success with happiness,

  Not anything less.

  Don’t let money rule your life.

  Sharing is a good thing,

  Whether it’s words or possessions.

  Karma is the answer;

  What comes around goes around.

  Don’t be impressed.

  Just accept

  The way that I lead.

  Difference

  What is nonstop?

  Is it your life or your freedom?

  Don’t give it up.

  Just throw it up

  In the air.

  Can you catch it?

  Most likely not.

  That’s okay.

  I don’t get you either.

  But that’s why we are here.

  I’m here to teach you.

  Please teach me.

  Make it short and simple.

  Let it flow.

  My life is a gift.

  Share it when it’s safe.

  Know people enough.

  Push to the edge.

  Don’t let them fall.

  Don’t fall yourself.

  Make a difference,

  And people will see.

  Validation

  It is all valid.

  You will see,

  Maybe not now,

  Hopefully soon.

  Do what it takes.

  Don’t let your own shield

  Hold you back.

  That may be the problem.

  Let it not be.

  You have the wheel,

  Steer it as you please.

  Look at fleas.

  Keep it going

  For yourself.

  You’ll work through it.

  You have to.

  You have one life to lead; make it for yourself,

  Not anyone else.

  Apprehension

  Appreciate yourself.

  No one else will.

  Money and fame are not everything,

  You will see.

  Don’t let me tell you;

  Figure it out.

  I’ve got it all

  Figured out.

  It does not matter who is on your side.

  It should only be you.

  You are your best friend.

  You may know someone

  Or may think.

  Don’t be quick to judge.

  Take it easy.

  You will see,

  It’ll be me and another

  If I choose to be

  A pain,

  Fighting our own worldly battles.

  Despite the hatchet in your head,

  Go on with your daily life.

  Do not let the effect bring you down.

  Go on with your prosperity.

  Be big.

  Not too big.

  Watch your head.

  Do not let it grow.

  You may feel timid,

  But you are just plainly scared.

  Don’t admit it;

  They will hold it over your head.

  Guarantee, please.

  Let the money go;

  It’s not what it is all about.

  Is it a pyramid? Are we all fighting for the top?

  It’s just an imaginary place.

  Don’t blind yourself to it; be free.

  Changing Face

  Watch your face.

  Study it well.

  What are you doing?

  Who knows?

  And nobody cares.

  This is a sad conclusion.

  Who you thought had love

  Unconditionally,

  All can change in a heartbeat.

  It will be fast.

  Will the pain ever disappear?

  The people who created you are now gone.

  Did they die?

  In a way.

  You claim to do anything for me,

  And you have.

  I can’t start to make you understand.

  That’s not my job.

  It is yours.

  Believe in Yourself, and Then Believe in Me

  Can you warrant your behavior?

  At times, it’s hard.

  Do what you please.

  Is this the answer?

  All the same, it’s just your poor luck.

  What is next?

  Please don’t take it from me.

  I need the stability.

  Are they just needs, or are they wants?

  React to impulsion,

  Nothing else.

  Take it into ease.

  Why do you deny me?

  Am I not beautiful?

  That is not everything.

  Too much to say.

  Will the paper run out before my life?

  Probably not.

  Doing stupid things

  To make it better.

  Do not

  Repeat.

  Do not let it get away,

  Whatever it is.

  It is different for everyone else involved.

  Who really cares?

  If you don’t, you may need some professional help.

  Mental help is not the right works.

  Please help me express.

  Oh, please don’t listen to me.

 

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